Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Dear Mom,

You've sacrificed time after time for me to be happy, always putting me and my wants before you and your needs.. No blog post, or phone call, or hug and kiss could ever award you the amount of appreciation you deserve for all that you've done. Since I was four, it's always been you and I, through good times and bad, we've always had each other.. I know I've made mistakes in our relationship, my teenage years were tough (I suppose that's what happens when two redheads live under one roof.) but you never stopped loving me, encouraging me.

When you were sick, I was so scared, but yet you laughed it off, coining yourself as a younger Sinead O'Connor when you shaved your head- you saw cancer everyday at work, but I watched my dear Pop-Pop die from it six years prior. I was blinded with fear that the same would happen to you. I couldn't be there for you like I should have been, and it's taken me ten years to say that I am truly sorry. You needed me the most at that point of your life, and I was so caught up in my own adolescent life, pretending the person I loved the most wasn't sick. It's one of my biggest regrets.

I remember in college, being confused about life, and what I wanted for myself that I would drive home in tears- and you would hold me while I cried, fortifying me until I was strong enough to go back to school. I could always tell you everything, even though I'm sure there were times you didn't want to hear what I was saying, that you didn't approve of what I was doing, but yet you were always there for me. One of the most difficult days of my life was boarding the plane to Europe last year. Standing in Greensboro Airport, tears streaming down my face as I went through security, looking back at you being so strong but knowing your heart was breaking just like mine. We went eight months without seeing each other before I visited the States this past April- it was the longest time we've ever been apart. I missed you all the time. Last year was the first time in my life that I spent every single major holiday away from you, the first time I wasn't able to get in a car and drive straight to you if I was upset, sad, or more often excited about something happening in my life. And yet, when I recently told you I had decided to stay another year in Europe, although disappointed and saddened by my decision you joked that you knew you should have had more than one child. You still supported me, even though my decision went against everything you wanted. Thank you.

I'm sorry for not being the type of daughter who lives up the street, comes over for dinner twice a week, who gets married to a handsome man, has an amazing career and beautiful grandchildren for you to rock to sleep.. Maybe someday, but instead, you've raised a daughter who is zealous for life, who embraces different cultures, people and change, and who is independent beyond belief. You've raised me to be strong even when I feel weak, to think that there is nothing that I can't do, to try things over and over again until I find the one thing that makes me happy even if I make mistakes along the way. You've raised me to be proud of where I come from, of having a mother who would give up anything, and has, just so that I can have the life I want. But most importantly, you've raised me to know, that no matter the situation, the circumstances, or the looming distance between us, if I fall down, you'll always be there cheering for me to get up with grace and pose.

There aren't a lot of guarantees in life, but there is one thing I know for sure- Our relationship is crazy and intense, just like us- but it is beautiful and it's full of so much love. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being my mother but more importantly my friend, and biggest fan. For taking care and loving Porter, and for accepting me for exactly who I am. I am so proud to be your daughter.

 I love you more than words can say. 

1 comment:

  1. You just made me do a little tear at my desk. This is beautiful :) you're a great daughter and lucky to have an awesome mom!

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