Dutch Punch..

So, I guess since I almost ruined the surprise last week on my blog, it's safe to post now that Friday night we had a suprise going away party for a fellow au pair who is leaving for South Africa in a couple of weeks. Marichen, I've had such a great time getting to know you- unfortunately, it was towards the end of your stay, but we have shared so many great memories! Thank you for always being a "partner in crime".. whether it be drinking, dancing or gossip. You'll definitely be missed here in Holland- however, this isn't goodbye.. just I'll see you soon, I have a feeling our paths will cross again!

Friday night was a little blurry, too much dutch punch (I obviously don't drink liquor for this reason) and a pact with a crazy South African who made me promise I'd get trashed too. Mission accomplished. Biked into town with Kristiaan and Frannie around 2am, wasn't the most graceful trip.. managed to go into multiple bars, get lost from my group multiple times, and still end up with everyone at the end of the night. Needless to say, Saturday and Sunday was a detox and all day sleep-a-thon.(dont worry Mom.. I'm being safe here) Frannie's birthday party this upcoming weekend will be handled with less alcohol and many more memories..

Lately, I've been a little down. I knew this would happen eventually, with being away from home for 5 months now.. missing little things from the States, feeling like my life is on pause, while everyone elses is on fast forward. Watching friends babies grow up, people getting married, engaged, buying houses, announcing pregnancies and births- all over the internet... I knew this would happen when I decided to come here, that for a year, everyone elses life would  continue- but I would be living my life in a new place, at a new pace, with new people. It's like being stuck in limbo.. it's hard to create a life here, because after a while, I'll have to go home- but what will it be like when I get back to the States, what type of adjustments will have to be made?.. I'll have lived somewhere else a full year- and I'll go from missing my friends and family back home, to missing my friends and "family" here in Holland.. It's exciting and miserable all at the same time.

I need some sun in my life- honestly, I never believed in seasonal depression before- but I'm starting to think it really exists. I'm so tired of the cold, of the damp weather- It was 70 degrees in Wilmington today, I would kill for weather that nice. I'm hoping that spring will arrive shortly, and I will be able to spend more time outside, and less time indoors- even if its sitting outside at the beach, or a park.. Last year I found out I had a vitamin d deficency, hello, I'm a ginger- and so my doctor put me on a high dosage. I can honestly say that I haven't been taking my vitamins like I should- and now I feel like I'm in a rut of extreme fatigue.. (that could have something to do with my insane sleeping patterns, 430am- still awake) and lack of energy... I suppose sooner or later I'll have to address this issue.. its actually quite easy to fix. Take vitamins.

Busy week coming up-Eva is leaving for the States for two weeks, so that makes me super Mom. Hoping that doesn't mean that I'll end up working lots and lots since it's just Jack and me. He's already promised the kids multiple horror film nights, which means I'll have to go upstairs with them after watching "It" and "The Exorcist"..  Thanks Jack.

Van Gogh- and friends

Hello followers.. So far behind on blogging, which if you know me- is absolutely typical. My blogging motivation comes from a friend in London (Hey Kait!) who manages very well to keep up.. I'm trying to stay afloat. Let's see.. The past couple weeks haven't been as busy as pre-holiday, thank god. Getting back to the daily grind- spending time with friends and the kids, and beginning my dutch courses.. I'll rewind to fill you in..

Last post was the 12th of Jan. Wow.. so, following that post, I went to Amsterdam to meet a friend who was lovely enough to show me out on the town. Dinner, and then dancing at a club in the city. I had such a great time.. dancing the night away, no one caring about how you look doing it- just listening to the music (which is typically amazing, go house music) and throwing your arms up in the air. The following day I went to the Van Gogh museum which was beautiful.. The highlight was seeing Almond Blossoms, and of course, Sunflowers. I have always been a fan of Van Gogh- of course everyone knows his tragic story of cutting off his ear in a heated debate, but not everyone knows the passion, the drive he had to create beauty. The theme of the museum for me, was trial & error. So many pieces lacked luster, or technique when he was beginning- and then some paintings bled beauty- pouring out of them. It was an amazing experience. My favorite time frame was his work in France when he began experimenting with Impressionism. I look forward to going to other museums in Europe while I am here.. I love spending time walking around, lost in paintings, pieces.. surrounded by perspective. That's one of my favorite things about art- it doesn't need to be explained, its a feeling, or a personal perspective of what YOU, the viewer thinks. It's interpretive, and you can look at it, a vase of sunflowers, and see sorrow rather than happiness. I would really enjoy painting I think. An outlet for your expressions..


Last weekend, I went out with some of the girls, Frannie and Gwen to multiple bars in Haarlem.. we can never find just one, but bounce around from place to place.. waiting for the music to get better- the spaces to fill up, to see who is there. It's always a great time.. :) Ended the night at Polo Bar, dancing with two gay guys- perfect ending to a great night. Sunday, Kristian and I went into Haarlem to meet a mutual friend- Remon, who was nice enough to invite us to a wine bar in the center of the city with him and some of his friends. I met Remon on CouchSurfing- which is an amazing organization that I've been associated with for the past year. For those of you that don't know about it http://www.couchsurfing.org/. It's become really popular around the world, just catching on in the States. The premise is meeting new people from new countries and either meeting them for drinks, or staying with them if you don't live locally. Some people "surf" their couches.. staying a few days with a male or female, being introduced to the city by a local- the best places to eat, go out, meeting their friends, in exchange for being a good and graceous guest. Possibly buying a small token of thanks, or cooking dinner for them. I think its an amazing concept- it's travelers that understand that its hard not knowing a new place, so instead of falling into multiple tourist traps they assist you in knowing the best places to go, and what to do. It's also a great concept because it helps to save money- if you wish to see the world and not stay in 4 star hotels, and are capable of being friendly, and  then couch surfing might be for you. I have been able to meet a lot of really quality people here in Holland for drinks, coffee, a night out- or just advice on where to go, or what to do while I'm here. Anyway.. so Kristian and I headed to meet Remon and some of colleagues.. followed by a few drinks in Tapuit. A great Sunday as usual, with great friends.

This week has been uneventful.. my second language course which is really fun, but very difficult. The dutch language is not easy for Americans, the grammar and the way we use our mouth to pronounce words is completely different than im used to. I've met a lot of really lovely women in my class- 6 from the Philippens, 1 from Brazil, Poland, Indoneshia, and Italy. It's a really interesting group- especially after discussing what our families have us do, I'm definitely the luckiest. I look forward to getting to know them, and the dutch language much better.

TBC...

PSA (The 2011 Reflection)

I'm not entirely sure where this is coming from.. why I have this sudden urge to look back on the past 7 years of my life, from the time I went to college- to now and think so hard about the decisions I've made.

"There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go.”

 ... I hope to think that there is some truth to that. I have tried to consider myself an optomistic person, a half glass full rather than empty, but lately I doubt the validity in that too. I look back on the friendships that I've had, the opportunities, the relationships and I wonder at what point did I throw a lot of them away. A few things I'm positive of, that I have always tried to find good in myself, that I've tried to find good in the world, and other people. I know there are no second chances, but there are times when you can finally see all the things that have gone wrong- and realize for the first time, that you are ultimately the master of all the decisions, the feelings, the hurt and pain that you feel. So rather than looking for a second chance, or going back in time to fix the things that you've done- all you can do is move forward, embracing the feeling of acknowledgement of your mistakes- praying that you don't keep making the same mistakes again. I have spent a large majority of the past 7 years trying to figure out what makes me happy- and unfortunately I think I have been completely inaccurate in what vices I choose. Men, alcohol, and guilt don't make for a happy person, no matter how many times you convince yourself that you want those things and justifying, no, excusing the reasonings, behind them. The last thing I want in this world is to leave it feeling as though I have failed being a good friend, or daughter, or granddaughter.. One of the main reasons for moving to Europe was because I wanted to see what else there was in the world, what other people shared this space with us Americans, how they lived their lives differently than us.. but the second reason was to find myself as I've said many times before now. I am still searching for my answer, and yet, confident that my answer is here- All my bad decisions, my good decisions, my lies and truths, the hurt I have possibly caused others and myself have gotten me to this place- that I can't take back, nor would I want to if I finally find what I have looking for. But I will say this, if in the past, I have hurt someone, maybe even you, by my  lack of sincerity, for my selfishness(which I'm starting to see that I have a lot of) than I am extremely sorry. I have been lucky in life- I have met wonderful people, experienced beautiful  places, and have had more love extended to me than I possibly deserve. I have yet to find my purpose, my passion, or myself- but I think that it is out there, and I know I can't move forward until I make ammends with the things holding me back. As completely uncensored this blog is, it's important to me to be able to publically say the things that I've been thinking. Ironically, this has given me a better escape for describing how I feel than many of the other escapes I have chosen in the past..

The time has come for me to become a positive, healthy, and active participant in my own life rather than skating by hoping that things will change on their own. I am responsible for every decision, every person I hurt, or am hurt by, for every feeling and emotion- From this point on, I  take full responsibility for my past and more importantly, my future.

12 days late on my New Year's Resolution..

Well- My New Year started off in European fashion. Listening to churchbells ringing in 2011, standing amongst people from all different cultures and countries- each celebrating the start of a new year, new dreams, inspirations and hopes- Starting 2011 in Dublin, and then returning "home" to Holland  has filled me with such feelings of independence, bewilderment at my ability to have created a life so far away from the life I knew so well in North Carolina. 2010 was full of so many changes; changes in relationships, in living arrangements, in raising Porter together with Ben(shared pet custody- ha only us), in packing up my life and leaving Wilmington, leaving North Carolina, leaving behind my family, friends and Porter. Closing many chapters of my life, and opening new ones.. many decisions made, some bad- some very good, but never any regrets. Since moving to Holland I've had a lot of time to reflect on who I am. I have no problem admitting that I have struggled with finding myself for a large majority of my twenties, not always being happy with the person I am, or the decisions I make, or the way I treat others. I automatically assumed or possibly just naively hoped that by leaving everything behind that I knew, that I would have a better chance of figuring out what I wanted out of my life when I returned to the States. Ah- the perplexity of it all. It seems to me, that after four months, I have figured out a lot of things about myself- things that I don't like, qualities I embody that I do like.. but I am just as far away from knowing who I am, or what I want out of my life then before I boarded the plane in Greensboro to move to Holland. One of the biggest questions I ask myself, daily at this point, is even though I am so incredibly happy that I decided to uproot myself and come live in Holland, meeting new people, and experiencing new things, did I run from my past and cover it up by calling it an adventure? I truly hope that the answer is no, but I suppose I don't really know. Four months have come and gone here in Holland, and I have missed the States but I also have fallen in love with another country, with the idea of a relaxed lifestyle.. Europeans know so well how to enjoy life, how to savor every moment. They make it look effortless, with their casual strolls down cobble stoned streets, or sitting sipping coffee outside of a little cafe in the city market gossiping with one another. I wonder how I will ever be able to return to the mondane lifestyle of Monday through Friday work, 9-5, working for the man after knowing there is such a different way to live life...

My NY Resolution started off just as one, but as usual, it became a long string of ideas for the year. I can barely keep up with one resolution, and now ambitiously enough, it appears I have 15.. I'd like to think of these more along the lines of wishes for 2011 rather than resolutions.. First and foremost, I want to experience as much as I can here in Europe. Spending less time in the bars and more time in the museums, and concerthalls of Holland. I want to start being a more thoughtful person to the people I care about, I have always been very inconsiderate about keeping in touch with those I should- writing more, being more sincere. Drinking less, the older I am getting, the more I am realizing that I don't particularly like the person I am when I do.. Finding something that I really love to do, which I think that it is going to be riding horses again- I can see my Mom's face now, don't worry- you don't have to foot the bill this time around. Being happier with who I am, and recognizing that I don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. Learning another language, or two, if Jack has his way- "why learn dutch when you should learn chinese.." Reading more, taking pictures, traveling to places I've always wanted to go while I'm here, making new friendships, and strengthening my old friendships... I think sometimes when you make lists like this public, there is some accountability connected to it. So rather than thinking I've just unnecessarily shared every ounce of my wishes for 2011 with you all, now I've just established and concreted them for the year :)

It would be safe to say that 2011 is going very well. Apart from the flu that I brought home with me, a hacking cough, and a stuffy nose- I am optomistic that this year will be one of the best of my life. I have so much to look forward to this year, and I hope that I never forget to thank the people in my life that have supported me in this extremely whimsical life choice (especially my family.) So- Thank you! Everyday is a new surprise, you never know who you'll meet, where you'll go, or what you'll see- I try to remind myself all the time to embrace that feeling of the unknown. It's a beautiful thing.

If we didn't have bad luck, we'd have no luck at all..

Day #3: Today was our day of rest.. the past two days and nights had taken A LOT out of us.. so we slept, discussed our future travel plans and went to get food at The Porterhouse. Porterhouse is its own brewery, so we tried a few of the local brews.. and shared a sandwich (everything seems bigger in Ireland.) Needless to say, I wasn't feeling very good- so the drink and food consumption wasn't really working for me. We were scheduled to leave the next day for London, and then on to Paris for NYE but we were REALLY enjoying Ireland and the Irish and none of us had the urge to continue on. So, in Smith fashion, we cancelled our plans and made reservations at Jury's Inn near Christchurch cathedral to ring in the New Year- Dublin style.

Day #4: Woke up, packed our bags and traveled the small distance, literally less than 1km to Jury's Inn near the beautiful church. We got to our room and decided we would go out shopping for a little while to replace certain lost items; a jacket, a digital camera. We headed to the shopping district- Mary's Street which was absolutely packed. Prior to getting our shopping fix, we stopped at The Church Restaurant for a little lunch since the past few days had been one meal a day, followed by multiple beers. The Church is an amazing venue- not only is it a historical site, Mr. Guinness and his wife were married in this church, but it has two famous figures buried somewhere on the grounds. It also doubles as a nightclub and bar at night. Decent meal, good service, and we were re-energized. Off to find sales, which included a 7euro jacket for Jenn, and a new camera for 100euro at this random electric store. Literally, you flip through a catelogue, locate the item you wish to purchase, write down a number, pay for it and then your number is called and you pick up your item. There is no merchandise on the floor. Sometime during this day, Jenn started to feel really sick. So we headed back to the hotel to sleep it off.

Day #5: Through the night Jenn got really sick, so Brenda decided to take her to a pharmacy that hosted a 24hour doctor on premise. They recommended the E.R, so they took a little trip there.. turns out she had the flu and was advised not to travel. Good thing we weren't, but that solidified our decision not to continue with our trip. Thankful she was able to stay in bed, and get better.. wishful thinking for our NYE extravaganza but with the help of Jury's Inn and their accomodating staff- tea, OJ at any time of the day, directions for medicine, etc. we were able to get her up and well in only 3 days. This day was spent in bed by most of us..

Day #6: NYE, we took the day portion slow, hoping that if Jenn rested enough we'd be able to go out for a little while.. Brenda and I went out to look for soup and breakfast and found Grafton Street which is adorable area of Dublin. Lots of little cafes, cute stores, and pleasant Irish. We decided later that  night, we'd attempt to relocate this area to go out.. Jenn was still sleeping and sweating off her terrible symptoms and we all relaxed, downloaded pictures and enjoyed each others company in a small, cramped, flu infested hotel room. Let's face it, by this point, we were definitely getting on each others nerves. You can't blame the sick one for being sick, or the one that snores, for snoring.. So you chalk it up to traveling stress. That night we got ready, and dressed for NYE- went and had a delicious dinner at a Tapas bar in the Grafton area, and then headed back to the hotel to ring in the New Year. Our logic was that amateurs party on big holidays, the rest of us professionals drink the rest of the year. On a side note, I have NEVER had a kickass NYE- I always feel like there is so much pressure to have a good time, look beautiful, get drunk- and it never seems to work out that way. I'm feeling good about 2012 NYE. When we arrived back at the hotel, there were mobs of people and police officers.. apparently Christchurch outside of our hotel is responsible for ringing the bells at New Year, for the past year, into the present year.. It was so cool to see so many people from other cultures all greeting each other, wishing each other well for the New Year. It was a surreal experience to be in Dublin, Ireland- a 5 hour time difference from my family and friends in US, and a 1 hour difference from my friends in Holland and celebrating the start of 2011. Best wishes to my friends and family for a healthy, happy, prosperous 2011!

" I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut.."

Way overdue on my blogging.. one of my new year's resolutions is to stay more up to date with my blogging so that my friends and family can keep up with whats going on my chaotic life. Alright so- My trip to Ireland. Left on a Sunday, arrived at Schipol airport with plenty of time, went to an Irish pub inside, of course, to read my book and have a pint before my flight. Met a lovely Scottish guy who was heading to Seoul, Korea to meet up with his girlfriend of 4 years. He had met her at a wedding in Bali and they had developed a long term relationship. That is one thing that I love about traveling, you met the most random and amazing people along the way. We shared a couple of pints, talked about his relationship, my holiday, life and then we went our seperate ways.. but I will carry his long distance love affair with me. If two people can make it work from Scotland to Korea, then other long distance relationships seem trivial in the scheme of things. Boarded my flight, and made it safely to Dublin. Met up with my cousins, who saw me dropped off by the double decker bus from our hotel and made it to them! What's a great reunion. I've missed them so incredibly much, and it was nice to all be together again, it almost felt like no time had passed at all, when in hindsight it had been almost four months since we all were together. We stayed in that night, due to their jetlag and hangovers from the ATL airport.. although that didn't stop me and Jenn from downing our bottle of Jack Daniels from the grocery store. (I STILL love that you can buy liquor at the counter of any grocery store of even convience store.. Sparr was a contributing factor to our drunkeness in Dublin). We gossiped, drank and went to bed, ready for the day ahead of us.

Day #1: Sightseeing/walking Dublin, getting our bearings, attempting to find things like food, beer, and ATMS. Walked aimlessly around, taking pictures, crossing the bridges of Dublin from one side to the other in attempt to find the perfect "first pub".. The Bachelors Inn was the first stop, primarily because we were coaxed in my the name of the pub, and secondly because we were ready to start drinking.. let's face it, it was 3pm Dublin time.. (10am US time!) The bar was exactly what I expected, old men in tweed coats, drinking big pints of Guinness and cussing at one another. The bartender was hysterical.. much like most of the Irish, humor is something that goes a long way in Ireland. One of my favorite quotes was from this particular bartender who said to a rather ancient man as he walked in (he obviously was a regular) "you'll be dead by next Christmas, so you better enjoy this pint.." ha- priceless. We were hungry, so we took a look at the menu, not much to pick from, so we choose the cheese and crackers. Needless to say, I was surprised when he asked how many, and as I stared in confusion to my cousins, we just answered two. It literally took 30 minutes for these "two" cheese and crackers to come out, however, it was worth the wait. I have never had such amazing cheese and crackers- and although it sounds ridiculous, I stand by my claim that The Bachelors Inn does some badass things with these crackers. We finish our beers, and head off to the Temple Bar area. One of my friends from Charlotte had come from Dublin not too long before I arrived and he highly recommended Auld Dubliner.. which is an amazing bar. Live music, great pints, and witty service once again.. we met all types of people, from all over the world.. A family from Texas, a military Irishman who had been based in Fort Braggs, N.C, and lots and lots of Irish. We stumbled on to our next destination.. the one and only Temple Bar. Literally, possibly the biggest tourist trap in the world- but who the hell cares. What an amazing pub. The music is so good, everyone singing together in the pub, drinking pints, getting to know one another. If I could live in three places at once, it would be the US, Holland, and Ireland.. My cousin Jenn walks around stroking her fur collared blazer telling men its squirrel, and she's just a squirrel trying to get a nut which is hilarious considering all the shocked faces of the men..We stayed there for possibly too long considering cheese and crackers and pints were the only things that filled our stomach.. a miscommunication, and chance encounters left us the next day without one coat, a set of missing apartment keys, one pair of cashmere gloves, a digital camera, my NC drivers license, and about 30 euros. F You Hungry Harry's. Let's just say it was an expensive night.

Day #2: Woke up considerably later than the day before... tried to connect the missing pieces of the night before, and figured it was time for some real Irish pub food. Went to a little pub near the temple bar called Farringtons, we decided to share our three meals- fish and chips, chicken curry, and a club sandwich. Amazing food- tried to stomach a few pints, the first two went down very slowly and rough.. and then we were back at it again. At this point it was almost 5pm, and some of us were still in our PJ's because we assumed the food run would be just that.. always expect the unexpected. Met a very nice 40something Brit named Andy, who was part time business man, part time comedian. He told us a hilarious story of dying his salt and pepper hair by a brown box dye.. needless to say, it came out very black and apparently god awful, because he spent two weeks holiday in his house rather than heading to Portugal as planned.. goes to show you that men are just as vain as women. We went to a few other pubs, and then made the group decision that if we were out in Dublin then we needed to go home and at least look the part. So we headed back, got ready and then went to Temple Bar- surprise. Met some very interesting Irish fellows, had some drinks and then decided we would accompany them to a nightclub. When we arrived Jenn and Brenda went down a set of stairs, I went in a main door with one of the guys who was staying at the hotel adjacent to the nightclub and we lost each other. For about 45 minutes, I found myself with this Irish guy who was dragging me around the club ( Ike Turner style) as I searched for the rest of my group. Finally I spot a blonde, with lots of cute men, dancing around like its no ones business- I break into tears because god, Im just glad to have found Jenn- and realize shes been having the time of her life. (bitch.. ha) We're still down Brenda, but know we can all take care of ourselves at this point.. back to the apartment by rickshaw bicyle although it is negative degrees and we're not exactly dressed warmly. Everyone is accounted for and home.

Stay tuned..