"There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go.”
... I hope to think that there is some truth to that. I have tried to consider myself an optomistic person, a half glass full rather than empty, but lately I doubt the validity in that too. I look back on the friendships that I've had, the opportunities, the relationships and I wonder at what point did I throw a lot of them away. A few things I'm positive of, that I have always tried to find good in myself, that I've tried to find good in the world, and other people. I know there are no second chances, but there are times when you can finally see all the things that have gone wrong- and realize for the first time, that you are ultimately the master of all the decisions, the feelings, the hurt and pain that you feel. So rather than looking for a second chance, or going back in time to fix the things that you've done- all you can do is move forward, embracing the feeling of acknowledgement of your mistakes- praying that you don't keep making the same mistakes again. I have spent a large majority of the past 7 years trying to figure out what makes me happy- and unfortunately I think I have been completely inaccurate in what vices I choose. Men, alcohol, and guilt don't make for a happy person, no matter how many times you convince yourself that you want those things and justifying, no, excusing the reasonings, behind them. The last thing I want in this world is to leave it feeling as though I have failed being a good friend, or daughter, or granddaughter.. One of the main reasons for moving to Europe was because I wanted to see what else there was in the world, what other people shared this space with us Americans, how they lived their lives differently than us.. but the second reason was to find myself as I've said many times before now. I am still searching for my answer, and yet, confident that my answer is here- All my bad decisions, my good decisions, my lies and truths, the hurt I have possibly caused others and myself have gotten me to this place- that I can't take back, nor would I want to if I finally find what I have looking for. But I will say this, if in the past, I have hurt someone, maybe even you, by my lack of sincerity, for my selfishness(which I'm starting to see that I have a lot of) than I am extremely sorry. I have been lucky in life- I have met wonderful people, experienced beautiful places, and have had more love extended to me than I possibly deserve. I have yet to find my purpose, my passion, or myself- but I think that it is out there, and I know I can't move forward until I make ammends with the things holding me back. As completely uncensored this blog is, it's important to me to be able to publically say the things that I've been thinking. Ironically, this has given me a better escape for describing how I feel than many of the other escapes I have chosen in the past..
The time has come for me to become a positive, healthy, and active participant in my own life rather than skating by hoping that things will change on their own. I am responsible for every decision, every person I hurt, or am hurt by, for every feeling and emotion- From this point on, I take full responsibility for my past and more importantly, my future.
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